I’m Pregnant, Haven’t Spoken To My Mother In More Than A Year?
i know this is long, but please bear with me.
over the course of my lifetime, my mother and i have never really seen eye to eye. when i was 13, she tried to commit suicide. while she was dealing with her mental health issues, medications, and doctor appointments, i was left to raise my three younger siblings. she was just mentally incapable of raising us kids. i even had to stop a few suicide attempts, and the whole experience left me very scarred and forced me to grow up at maybe too early of an age. the way she treated my dad after they divorced also hurt me quite a bit. if he made her angry she would retaliate by refusing to let him see us. she remarried a couple years ago, and since then, she’s been dragging my younger siblings all over the country to live in strange places, because she’s struggling to find her happiness here. i’ve always thought her to be very selfish, because she’s basically splitting our family in half, and making my dad and myself obsolete in their lives. we used to be very, very close but she’s also been the starting point to all my problems. she’s always been belittling me, making it known that i would never live up to her expectations. she always made me feel like i would never be good enough for her.
i guess i always felt like my mother’s depression and anger always affected me in the worst way. as a teenager, and even into adulthood, i’ve struggled with the same problems as her; the depression, the alcoholism, the anger, etc. while i’ve finally quit drinking, the emotional problems we share still linger. now i am concerned about raising my child with the same manic depression that she had when i was a child.
more than a year ago, we had yet another argument, and for me it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. it was a stupid argument, and has no real significance, but during the course of that argument, i told her i never wanted to speak to her again, and that she would never see me get married and would never know my children. immature, i know, but since that day, we haven’t spoken a single word to each other. it still hurts me badly, to this day to not have my mother around to help me, teach me, and be there for me. and i think it’s worse now that i’m pregnant, and i don’t have her there to guide me in my path to motherhood. in the next week, she’s moving to yet another far-away state, and my siblings invited me to their house to say goodbye on thursday. i told them i would be fine with that if she was, and that i didn’t want to fight with her anymore because i was over it. she told them that she had no interest in seeing me and that i was not to come over. so, basically, i feel that this is the rest of our lives right here. i guess i’m really just debating over whether or not my mother deserves to play a part in my child’s life, or if i should just let it go and accept the fact that my mother is no longer a part of my life. should i try to reach out to her or should i just go on with my life as normal and try to raise my baby to the best of my ability?
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Yoru mother has already taught you a lot – about what NOT to do. You said that when you were young she was too overwhelmed with her own problems to take care of you… learn that lesson well, and do whatever it takes to maintain your own mental and emotional health and stability now, so that you will be able to parent your child.
If you don’t feel you can see her without you two lashing out at each other, then don’t see her. However, you should stay in contact with your siblings. Offer to meet them in a neutral location; share your good news with them; and encourage them to contact you. You are still their sister, and nothing your mother does can ever change that. Your siblings will most likely pass your news on to your mother, so she will be informed of your life in a roundabout way – not entirely cut off, but not an active or toxic part of it, either.
I hope you are continuing therapy to resolve the emotional trauma. If you don’t take care of you, you won’t be able to take care of your child. If you choose to change, your past will not determine your future.
Please try to take this in the spirit intended… but do you REALLY want your mom, the one you openly said wasn’t the best, to help you raise a child when she couldn’t raise the ones she had?
I would suggest contacting the family of your baby’s father, if you are somewhat close to them, assuming he’s still in the picture. Do you have any friends with parents to help you with this extremely necessary moral support? You could also call the local United Way office in your county for assistance. There are lots of programs out there that could be very helpful.
I do wish you the best. Being newly pregnant is very scary and not having someone you are close to, to help guide you through this probably seems like the worst thing in the world. I’m sure you can find someone that will be more than happy to be a mentor for you. Good luck with everything.
My mother won’t speak to me either, and what I do is I write her letters and emails – nothing heavy, just letting her know what I’m up to and how my life is going, not asking for anything or making any accusations.
I figure this way, if she’s ever ready to make it up with me, then we’ll still have some sort of relationship to go back to.
Maybe this would work for you too? I know it’s not the same as having her support, but at least you can feel that you’re doing something positive, without having to go through loads of emotional stuff when you try to contact her.
I was the same gowing up . There is plenty of help out there. No need to waste time with your mothers approval of how you want to do things or help raising a child. Just more stress added to you is all its going to be. Do the best you can and make mom jealous that she regrets not being part of your adventure. Word will get back to her that your doing just fine.
Just forget your mom if she doesn’t want you around.If you need help raising your kid hire a nanny.And don’t make the same mistakes your mom did.
1. you mentioned manic depression. some of your mom’s behavior that you described does sound like manic depression (the constant moving, the repeated suicide attempts, the hot then cold treatment of family, scapgoating one of the children)
are you sure that you have manic depression? Children of manic depressives are more likely to have clinical depression but their chances of having manic depression (a very serious & very different thing from clinical depression) are really not much greater than the general population at large.
If you don’t know for sure if you’re suffering from depression or manic depression then see a doctor for a diagnosis. (even if all you have is clinical depression, you should see a doctor as you are at a greater risk for post partum depression)
2. accept your mother’s limitations. if she is manic depressive then she has a very serious incurable mental illness and if she is not managing her illness, then she isn’t rational and you can’t expect her to behave like a normal or even a reasonable person. It’s just not going to happen.
you look for your mentor in your friends, your neighbors, your MIL, aunts, grandparents, etc. When you can’t have what you want/need from someone, you seek out what you want/need for somewhere else. It’s unreasonable for you to expect your mother to behave like a mother, so you need to forge that connection elsewhere.
3. if you discover that you have manic depression, then you do what you have to do to manage your illness. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to take care of yourself. You can live a very full, content, and successful life w/ minor issues if you learn how to manage your illness.
You know where your mother erred, so you don’t make her mistakes. if she was afriad to see a doctor for her problems then you don’t be afraid. You go see a doctor and learn how to be a good mom while dealing w/ your illness.
you’re mom sounds pretty unstable. you don’t allow your children to spend unsupervised time w/ unstable people, even when they are grandma.
If you want your mom in your life then you’ll probably have to hold her at arm’s length as long as she isn’t managing her illness. you don’t need to introduce chaos into your life if you don’t have to. Just establish clear boundaries when dealing with her and don’t feel guilty about it. You’re going to be mom now and your first job is to protect your child.
if it were me: I’d keep the door open, touch base with her on a monthly or quarterly basis, educate myself on her illness–mainly to validate what I already know, and realize that I have the mom I have–a flawed human being w/ serious issues & limitations–and not some 1950s ideal super maternal mom. I’d know not to expect much from her when she’s on one of her depressive states & I’d do my best to not take anything negative she says to and about me personally because I’d understand that she isn’t well.
general rule: you have compassion for things she can’t help but limit your contact if needed to protect yourself & those (your children) who don’t understand & can’t protect themselves. You don’t keep looking for or expecting her to behave like the mom you want her to be. you deal w/ the mom you have.
If she weren’t ill and were just an incredibly self absorbed idiot who spewed bile and venom and destruction where ever she went, then I’d cut her out.
I think maybe you should try talking to her, and if she is still cold, mean, or difficult, then just let her know that you wanted to make peace, but since she is always so difficult, you must go through the toughest battles in life without her support. If this may be the last time you speak, make sure you let her know that your childhood was hell because of her, and tell her your true feelings!
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